Okay, so, I got tremors.  Whatever.  I guess they're not as bad as last time, so I'll give it the two weeks.

I also - joy of joys - have the joggins (nice to be able to use the word in its proper context) and I think that's brought on by the antibiotics.  Apparently, it's really common with this drug (co-amoxiclav, don't you know?) and it's nothing to worry about unless it's really severe.  Well, it's mostly just very unpleasant and I'm in two minds about whether to pull out of the show.  I definitely can't work, as I'm not allowed to handle food, and there's no way I'm spending all my shifts this week trying to walk around the kitchen putting away dishes I've washed while desperately needing to run to the bathroom.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Am I in a fit state to go on stage?  Realistically, probably not.  I'll see how I cope at the get-in tomorrow.  Assuming I make it there in the first place.

I feel pretty crappy.  I wonder if I'm a bit dehydrated.

Remind me, why did I give up chocolate?

What is it all about?  The whole 'stars' rating thing?  We already have eProps.  Honestly, Xanga will be the new 'Hot or Not' next.

So, I have some side effects already, but I'm not shaking yet, so things are looking good.  My teeth hurt, though.  That's just odd.

I had a writer's block free moment earlier today.  I started an exercise for my Creative Writing course, and suddenly, writing was easy again.  It was annoying, because I'd just spent 2 hours trying to write 500 words, only for about 1500 to pour out with ease.  I'm pleased, though, because it's about time.  I think part of it is that I'm getting to grips with paper and pen as a medium again.  I've gotten into the habit of editing as I go, in recent years, which has slowed me down a lot.  I blame computers.  It's so easy to delete and correct, copy and paste.

Language, though.  That's what I really want to talk about.

What's going on with the English language, and is it worth getting het up about?

Take 'access' for instance.  How many people realise that until 10/15 years ago, it's only function linguistically was as a noun?  Same with 'game'.  Classic 'verrbing'.  ('Verb' is a noun.  I made a funny.)

'Ideation'.  Marketing and psychology jargon for 'thinking up ideas'.  Who thought that one up?  Muppet.

And word amalgams.  "Brunch".  "Guesstimate."

Pronunciation, too.  How often have I heard 'pronounciation' instead of 'pronunciation'?  'Harass' instead of 'harass' (which is the English pronunciation, of course)?  And 'med'cin' instead of 'medicine'?

Acronyms.  And their new generation of variations.  From 'lol' to 'lollercaust' and 'lmao' to 'lmaonaise'.

Then txtspk.  Dats gr8 2.

And punctuation!  Have you ever witnessed any greater abuse of punctuation than this simple rant?  I have.  It makes me sick.

I can't help myself; I will correct other people in conversation.  Often, it's accidental and it mainly stems, I believe, from being corrected as a child.  Sometimes, I want to correct signs I pass in the street.  Sometimes, I want to take a red marker pen to the menu at work and write 'see me' next to all the spelling mistakes.  'Horseraddish'.  Seriously.

I'm hot and bothered.  I really can't sleep.

I spoke to one of the managers about getting more grill training.  One of the chefs is leaving and I know, for sure, that given a few weeks of concentrated training and experience, I could be at an acceptable standard to make a reliable assistant on the cookline.  A months' experience doing that, and I should be able to take over from where that chef left off.  She's not so hot.  That's why she's leaving.

I went to the doctor today.  Another SSRI.  I'm taking the first one tomorrow but it's a low dosage.

Police tomorrow.

Small steps.  I'm rebuilding.  One brick at a time.

It's morning.  I didn't go.  After talking it over with David I decided to wait a day and see if I still feel that desperate.

Now I'm going to put my uniform on, plaster on another smile and go to work to face the shit they've left me from last night, to face colleagues that hate their jobs so much that they make each shift Hell, and to face a pile of washing up, because no one on this shift wants to do it.  Does that sound familiar or what?

Then I'll go to rehearsal, frantically try to learn a show I have no interest in doing whatsoever.

I'm going to be late for work.  I'm just writing this to say 'I'm OK'.

I'm OK.

I'm going to the hospital.  I am not normal.

I read this, earlier.  I wanted to revisit it because it was an entry I loved writing, and I think it is beautiful.  I'm not that girl any more.  I don't write beautiful entries any more.  I'm fucked up and I'm so unhappy that I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm going to the hospital.

Republicans are not easily led, or Republicans are no fun?  You decide.  I can't be bothered.

If I undertake a 6 week diploma in cooking, I'll be able to get a much better salary, but I'll be shelling out several thousand pounds in the first place.  I could do a similar course for about ?00, but it'd take 2 years.  Both options suck.

I have a headache and some of my colleagues really annoy me.

One of my favourite songs of all time, performed - and enjoyed - by an immense cast of UK celebrities:

Edit: It's The Proclaimers!  You need to watch it.

No, seriously.

I spent a little more time thinking about my conversation with Elphie and the response I received to criticism of something dearly beloved.  Why is that when we love something wholeheartedly - or someone (and in this case a character in a show) - we lose all ability to reason?  We become blinded to flaws and defend, even against evidence to the contrary, the most glaring of faults.  We romanticise our experiences, and make them more than they are, or less than they are, according to our desires to see what we need to see.

When I took on my present job, I just knew it was going to be the best job ever.  I didn't mind doing 6 days a week in the first month we were open; after all, it was Christmas and things would quieten down in January.  I didn't mind leaving late on a regular basis, finishing up incomplete tasks and making sure the person I was handing over to was fully prepped and fully briefed.  I enjoyed being responsible for running the section, organising it, setting it up, working out how to make service go more smoothly - or even, at all.  I felt appreciated, encouraged and happy in my work.

January came, and it never got quiet.  My hours were cut, one week, to a mere 23.  Ironically, I think that was the first week I ended up working 50+, due to a combination of people quitting or failing to turn up for work.

I was full of enthusiasm for my job, and I romanticised it.  I must have, and now I'm finding it hard to get the motivation to pick up the slack from some of my lazier colleagues, because I'm 'disillusioned' with the job.  When I described myself that way originally, I was only expressing a general ennui and fatigue, but I realise, now, that I meant it rather more literally.  With the rose-tinted glasses off, I can see that the romance is gone, and the job turns out to be not so amazing after all.

I don't know, in anything, there's a honeymoon period, and of course it's been wonderful getting in at the ground, at the very beginning ('a very good place to start!'), and I'm very proud that I've been responsible for setting up and organising the day-today running of the entire section, from scratch.  When I look at it like that, this is an achievement that needs to go on my CV.  It'd be nice if my involvement and enthusiasm was fiscally rewarded by my employer, but as we near the end of March - two months after my appraisal wherein a raise was, in fact, promised, come March - it's beginning to look unlikely.

I'm going to talk to my boss on Monday.  I'm going to tell her that I'd like my promised increase in wages and more opportunity to grill.  It's time I actually stood up for myself instead of letting other people walk all over me.

'I'm going to begin with a folk tune.  It's an old Chinese song.  It's called Tiuu Ning.'

Elphie: What do you think of this?
Elphie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akJmpMllx_4
Sephraem: her intonation (and, as always, that of the ensemble) is actually pretty poor
Sephraem: i would say that she hasn't really thought about the way she wants to play with the tune
Sephraem: further, she's trying a little too hard to put her 'stamp' on it
Elphie: Actually, she's the originator of the song.
Sephraem: and finally, she hasn't got the same... warmth that idina has
Sephraem: ah
Elphie: Where was her intonation off?
Sephraem: 'it's meeeeeeee'
Elphie: It's me isn't sung.
Elphie: There's no pitch in the score.
Elphie: It's yelled.
Sephraem: she's aiming for a note she doesn't get
Sephraem: she's flat
Elphie: I'm not hearing any real intonation issues.
Sephraem: 'tell them how i'
Sephraem: 'i'm flying high defyyyyyyying gravity'
Sephraem: the 'yyyyy' is off particularly
Sephraem: 'bring me dooooown'
Sephraem: before the final waily bit
Sephraem: where she sings it on the supertonic, leading note, submediant and tonic
Sephraem: instead of the dominant, supertonic and tonic as it's typically performed now
Elphie: The only one I heard flat, and it was barely was the high F.
Sephraem: it's out
Sephraem: which high F?
Elphie: The only one.
Sephraem: ah
Elphie: The second bring me down is right.
Elphie: It's just a different riff.
Sephraem: but it's out of tune
Elphie: Nope
Sephraem: it is!!
Elphie: I just listened to it four times to see.
Sephraem: 'find' is out of tune on the first line, too
Elphie: It's right.
Sephraem: it's close, but it's out
Sephraem: 'tell them how' is out too
Elphie: Maybe something weird is going on with your speakers.
Sephraem: i have very good headphones
Elphie: Something is going on b/c I'm not hearing it at all.
Sephraem: i'm really anal about intonation
Elphie: So am I.
Elphie: Yeah, but other than the one spot, this intonation is right on.
Sephraem: well, you have to make allowances for live performance
Elphie: I don't.
Sephraem: the moment is gone too fast to worry about it
Elphie: Not on broadway.
Sephraem: well, this sucks if this is broadway standard, in that case
Sephraem: because i think the intonation is poor
Elphie: She's the current Elphaba.
Sephraem: really?
Elphie: Yeah
Sephraem: maybe the orchestra is all out of tune instead
Elphie: Vocally, though, I think this one is the best...
Elphie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98FEwGmHipI
Elphie: Too bad she didn't take over...
Elphie: I think if she had gotten to do it 8x a week, she could've been as good as Idina.

I warn you, though, if you actually click the links, you'll have to listen to songs from Wicked.  Well, the same song, sung by two different people.

If you do happen to listen, I'd love to know if anyone out there with a musical ear considers my assessment of the first version (cut somewhat short, I'm afraid - I really didn't get a chance to finish shredding it) to be at all accurate.  My personal assessment is that Elphie is a little too enamoured of the musical in question to hear its performances entirely objectively.  Just a thought.

So, I started a secret xanga for fiction and stuff.

Indeed.